MORE than 5,000 complaints to Ofcom later, Love Island's 2022 winners were declared to be Ekin-Su and Davide, and with that their destiny was sealed.
Ex On The Beach and Apocalypse Wow! if it doesn't.
Scant reward for saving the series and helping ITV pocket about £100million in advertising fees.
For all its many faults and lack of conscience, though, I hope the Love Island juggernaut keeps rolling and avoids any bone-brained calls to include plus-sized contestants, which would prevent everyone from laughing at "the beautiful people" and kill the show dead in a second.
Without this last great, pouting bastion of political incorrectness, TV would be even more insufferably bland and preachy than it is right now.
And yes, I'd also have no way of filling my column with the annual Love Island quiz.
Answers at the bottom of page. Be thoroughly ashamed of yourself if you get them all right.
1) DAY one, what did Paige claim was her favourite sex position?
A) The broken eagle.
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2) WHAT did a sobbing Jacques say he'd be doing when Paige arrived back at the airport?
A) Serving her a flapjack at Costa Coffee in the arrivals hall.
3) ON his arrival, Ikenna said: "I don't really need to try too much with women. My record in one night is 15 to 20." But how many did he attract in the villa?
4) COMPLETE Gemma's introductory sentence. "I like my boys like my horses . . ."
A) "Tall, dark and they let me be in charge."
5) WHAT quality did Summer say she wanted in a man?
A) Humility and a sense of humour.
6) WHAT did a stunned Gemma claim Dami had done for "ten seconds" on the July 26 episode?
A) Talked without mumbling.
7) WHAT does Luca have tattooed on his right shoulder
A) Albert Einstein.
8) WHAT did Gemma tell Afia she'd be prepared to lick for £2,000?
A) A pig's bum.
9) WHAT did Indiyah perform at Love Island's memorable "talent show" contest?
A) Rachmaninoff's piano concerto in D minor, on a Steinway.
10) WHAT heinous thing did Luca, Davide and Dami do to provoke more than 1,500 complaints to Ofcom on Day 43?
A) They sacrificed a goat in a devil-worshipping ceremony by the fire pit.
11) WHAT Turkish food item did Ekin-Su modestly compare herself to, when talking to Davide?
A) A mutton doner kebab.
12) Who left after just five days?
13) WHAT distinguishing mark did Dami boast he's got?
A) A heart-shaped birthmark on his penis.
And finally, smart arses . . .
14) WHO were the first two people to arrive at the villa?
A) Amber and Indiyah
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh : "What large mammals perform trunk shakes when they meet?"
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: "In terms of area, which of the Channel Islands is the largest?"
Jack: "The Falklands."
Ben Shephard : "The coastal holiday resort of Benidorm is located in which European country?"
THE Good Morning Britain caption-writing moron who thinks "Itallian" is spelt with two Ls.
The ever-unhelpful Dave channel threatening to revive Mock The Week's ugly corpse.
And an EastEnders doctor breaking the terrible Mitchell-related news that: "Ben's conscious – his vital signs are good and we've managed to take the tube out", just at the point I was really hoping they'd killed off the tube forever.
PC gang playing games
NEVER, in all my days, have I been as happy to see Duran Duran as I was, last Thursday night.
The headline act was a merciful release from all the hypocritical sermonising, at the Commonwealth Games: Opening Ceremony which started with a poem outlining the evils of Empire and ended with Tom Daley bollocking 35 mostly Third World countries for not being more "on message" about homosexuality.
A howling irony that could've been avoided if they'd just laid off the self-loathing for three hours.
The night, however, was lost to the cult of woke and its sliding scale of historical victimhood, most graphically illustrated when a bunch of woebegone-looking wenches dragged a large mechanical bull into Birmingham's Alexander Stadium as Hazel Irvine explained: "These underpaid and overworked women were responsible for making some of the slave trade's chain . . . but they too were enslaved by their terrible circumstances."
A misfortune, it should go without saying, that wasn't the fault of any single living person in Britain – surely the only country on Earth where some would see creating the industrial revolution as a neverending source of shame and regret.
If you think the woke cultists are going to go away, though, you haven't understood that TV, the civil service and business world are now over-run by mediocrities who keep chanting the "diversity, equality, inclusion" mantra. Not just because their egos and mortgages depend on it and they can't do anything else, but for the most mind-blowing reason of all.
They get a genuine kick out of trashing their own country.
ON Monday's hastily re-edited EastEnders , the BBC broadcast its (semi) official position on England's successful women's Euro team via the medium of Kim Fox: "This has changed everything. The game, women's sport, little girls everywhere. Every single one of them is a role model."
So they're no longer "too white" for the BBC's vile, Guardian-reading prejudices? Well that's handy, isn't it . . .
Great sporting insights
IAN WRIGHT : "This is what those girls were dreaming of. They couldn't even have dreamt of this."
Rachel Brown-Finnis: "The thing with German teams is they always play in the German league."
Vicki Sparks: Finally, those three words that we have spurned throughout this tournament, 'It's home'."
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
ONLY two programmes I watched this week came close to deserving the title "TV Gold".
The first was The Newsreader, a superior Australian throwback-to-the-Eighties drama that's made a welcome transfer to BBC2.
The other was Channel 4's superb Night Coppers who, when they're not struggling with the human wreckage of another lost night out in Brighton and their own sanity, are just as desperate as everyone else for a kebab and a slash. Watch it (Channel 4, Tuesday, 9pm).
They may even change your opinion of the police.
AT THE Commonwealth Games : Opening Ceremony, Andrew Cotter: "Charles and Camilla arrive in an Aston Martin. I should say quickly, it now runs on a combination of a by-product of wine manufacture and the fermentation of whey from making cheese."
The car or Camilla?
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Ekin-Su: "Wooh! Love Island 2022, woman-empowering."
And Love Island, Luca: "I'm not someone to take a cheap shot just because Adam and Paige have only been here five minutes," he said, taking a cheap shot.
PENNIES have started to drop on Spooked Scotland (the Really channel), inside Main Castle, where paranormal BS merchant Chris Fleming this week admitted: "The thing I was concerned about was something attaching itself to Gail [Porter] that's making her feel uncomfortable." Chris, you're getting warmer.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week's winner is Wayne Rooney and Horst the chef from Ratatouille.
Sent in by Michele M.
Winning entry receives £65 and a copy of You Dirty Old Man, the authorised biography of Wilfrid Brambell, by David Clayton.
Love Island quiz answers
1)a. 2) b. 3) c. 4) a. 5) c. 6) c. 7) a. 8) b. 9) b 10)c. 11) c. 12) b. 13) a. 14) b.
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