This is a rush transcript from “The Five,” January 16, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Hello, everyone. I am Dana Perino, along with Dagen McDowell, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and Greg Gutfeld, 5:00 in New York City. Greg and I are wearing the same color. Capitol Hill bracing for an impeachment battle in the Senate while Democrats facing growing criticism for how they have handled the process up to now. Earlier today, impeachment articles were presented and read aloud by the Democratic managers, and Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts swore in senators as jurors. Now, those are all formalities. Then there is the little partisan battle. Nancy Pelosi and her impeachment managers being blasted by Republicans for handing out souvenir impeachment pens during what was supposed to be a somber ceremony yesterday. And Adam Schiff is under fire for dumping documents from Rudy Giuliani associate, Lev Parnas, after the House wrapped its investigations. The GOP senators, they’re pushing back.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They’ve given us two very weak articles of impeachment. Our job is to look at what they bought us and if it rises to the level of impeachment.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The same witnesses are saying they need today. We’re available in the House. You know if you want a witness and the witness was available to you and you chose not to call them, don’t blame me.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: If they wanted to call these witnesses, they could’ve called them. It is not our job to expand the impeachment.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: And the president is reacting to it all.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I think it should go very quickly. It’s a hoax. It’s a hoax. Everybody knows that. It’s a complete hoax. And he is a corrupt politician named Adam Schiff. And he made up a phone call. He went out, you will hear about this as you grow older. He went out and he said things. He said quid pro quo eight times. It was no times.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: And there was, of course, media reaction. I want to play the sound bite from Joe Scarborough. He was talking about what the defenders of Trump will be treated like in the future, if we could play that please.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We know that all of these characters, Rudy Giuliani, will be exposed for what he is. History, it will be bleak. And their families, their children, their grandchildren, everyone who has their last name will carry that around with them.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: Greg, I thought I’d come to you.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: I think that’s really brave of him to indict his own family and his own offspring. Don’t you think that was brave of him? Because wasn’t he a key player in electing Trump? Wasn’t he the one that kissed his ass at the start of this whole thing and pleaded to have him on? We need to put his kids and his family on trial. Anyway, I’m kidding. His kids shouldn’t go to jail or anything. They should be forced to watch Morning Joe every single day as punishment. Look, we know the ending to this story. Yet, we have to cover this non-stop, the constant scenes of people walking as if this is an achievement that they can walk into an open space without collapsing. So that is a big deal. But one thing I noticed is that these people are working, right? And we are fine, which means that all of these politicians that are walking around creating this phoney, pomp and circumstance are totally unnecessary to the smooth running of a country. All you really need is Trump. Trump’s on his own getting the stuff done. You have all these other idiots wandering around, trying to look serious. And the more serious they look, the more comical they become. The beauty of this is they are going to lose, right. But we are going to let them go through this and let them work it all out. But these clowns like Nadler and Schiff, they are not in control. So when they start talking about witnesses, no witnesses. They want you to believe that the TV witnesses, the people that are on Maddow, are actually hearing witnesses. No, those are TV witnesses. Those are for the ratings to get the people to watch the shows, but they are not real witnesses, so they won’t be there.

PERINO: I was thinking about this, the whole walking thing.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Part of the reason there is walking is that the founding fathers set up the system, right? But if the founding fathers had email, I don’t think they would’ve walked it.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: No, they didn’t. But I recall, and Juan didn’t believe that I was old enough to remember in the 90s when the Republicans impeached Clinton. They just did it on a Saturday. They had some runner run it over to the secretary of the Senate on a Saturday. It wasn’t carried lives. No one slow-mowed the walking, and they didn’t — also treated the way Nancy treated it. She said she’s and somber. And she’s wisecracking, smiling, and handing out souvenirs. She is so see-through. Abuse of power, it’s not like the president spied on an opposing presidential campaign. Obstruction, it’s not like he bleached 30,000 emails under subpoena. I mean, what do you have? Nancy said she cares so much about national security, when in her career has she been tough on the Russians, the Chinese, the terrorists? She wants the border to be like a sieve. This is about protecting the Constitution, really, Nancy? The First Amendment, the Second Amendment, Due process, speedy trial? Which one is it, Nancy? Election integrity, really, OK, then pass a voter ID laws. Or is she just trying to pay back Trump for zeroing in on the Biden family shenanigans. That’s that is what this is all about. I mean, Hillary paid for foreign interference in the election to the tune of $9 million for a fake dossier. And then the GAO comes out and says tsk, tsk. Trump broke a rule by delaying aid. GAO said Obama broke a rule with the Bergdahl trade, said George W. Bush broke a rule. Maybe Joe Biden broke a rule when he delayed the aid unless Ukraine fired the prosecutor who was investigating his son. It happens in every administration. It’s no big deal. Trump was just kicking the tires on an administration that was new and rife with corruption. And he got the money out under the wire. And the Ukrainians didn’t even have to do anything. Lastly, this guy, Lev Parnas, whatever his name is, this guy is like the Michael Avenatti. You know, at the last second they are throwing out gang rate claims all of a sudden. You are supposed to take this guy seriously. He says he never even spoken to Donald Trump. He just paid Rudy Giuliani to make money off of his name. He said Devin Nunes went to Vienna and met with the prosecutor about Joe Biden. He’s never been to Vienna. And now CNN is getting sued for reporting that Lev lied. Lev said he was speaking to the Ukrainian foreign minister about all this. The Ukrainian foreign minister went on CNN yesterday and said I never met the guy. Don’t trust a word he says.

PERINO: Don’t forget that the business was called Fraud Guarantee.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: They want to play a sound bite. Is this the one about Lev Parnas? Let’s play that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don’t want to make any judgments about his credibility, or others, until we have the opportunity to flush that out.

SEN. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): There seems to be documentation that would validate what Parnas is saying, but that all has to be subjected to scrutiny.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: Juan, what about this evidence coming out after the House has already closed down its shop and sent the articles over? Do you think that this should be allowed into the Senate trial?

JUAN WILLIAMS, FOX NEWS HOST: I do.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: why?

WILLIAMS: Because one of the articles of impeachment literally is obstruction. And what you had was people being told they can’t testify, John Bolton being the prime example, Dana, who have direct, firsthand knowledge of what took place. And so if we’re all curious, if we all want to know exactly what happened, and the president says it was a perfect call. Why not let people with firsthand knowledge come and say something? Now, Lev Parnas has firsthand knowledge that the president lied, that he had direct knowledge that, in fact, there was a quid pro quo of what Gordon Sunderland, the ambassador said, was a clear effort to use U.S. money as leverage against the Ukraine, money that have been approved by Congress to get dirt on Joe Biden. So, you know, it doesn’t seem as if there is much doubt about the specific crime. There are simply people who say, well, it’s not worthy of impeachment. But I also want to take this opportunity, because I don’t often do this, to pay tribute to Greg Gutfeld, because who would guess that Mitchell McConnell would be following — by the way, marching, like you know they marched. He’s marching behind Greg on this pen thing, because the grievance industry on the Republican side is now, oh, why are you giving away pens.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: I want to get Dagen in on that, and you can talk about the pens or anything else you want. Can we play this Republican outrage about the pens?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Speak of the speaker distributed souvenir pens, souvenir pens, to her own colleagues, emblazoned with her golden signature.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Democrats did what you would expect at a campaign event. Pose for pictures, smiled, handed out gifts to one another.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I’m sure most of you got a pen as well.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We thought that she may have some grand strategy for delaying the impeachment trial for 28 days. Maybe she was just waiting for her special order pens to come in.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: Pens.

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX NEWS HOST: And dressed in the color of an Easter egg. Wasn’t that pretty? I’m just here to listen to Greg do his Yosemite Sam again. I’m not even getting paid for this. I’m paying for this seat.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Yesterday, when the two of you started —

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: No.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: No, look, you brought it up. Our audience have to sit through this garbage for hours. They come to The Five to hear the truth, and that this is a farce. I’m sorry, go ahead.

WILLIAMS: Our audience comes to hear the truth. I’m glad you said that, because I think they want to hear what is going on. Not just the grievance rage that comes from the right —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: If you want to dance to the jukebox of the Democrats, that’s fine, but I’m not going to do it.

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: I go from DEFCON Five to DEFCON One, peace time down to global thermonuclear war in a sneeze, but I’m not going to do that right now. I’m going to address one thing that you said. The fact that all this information is coming out, the Government Accountability Report, oh, here is Lev Parnas with that hideous hairdo, with some new dirt on President Trump, and what Rudy Giuliani was doing. It is proof that Pelosi and co. and co. rushed and botched this impeachment, blinded by their own rage at Trump getting elected, and clouded — their judgment clouded their faculties impaired by their hatred of him, and all the gun toting, bible carrying deplorables out there who voted for him. They released this. They don’t control the investigation anymore. It’s in the hands of the Senate. And to your point, you know, they’re not doing anything and look how great the country is running. Look at the stock market.

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: You know what? Their ineptitude is proof that the Trump doctrine on the economy works. Get out of the way, let —

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Even the GAO says the man committed a crime, and you are saying, so what?

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: — the Democratic debate, new audio reveals what Elizabeth Warren said to Bernie Sanders. Don’t miss Greg’s monologue up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: If you’ve watched any of the Democratic debate, you would think someone drugged your food. You will find more signs of life on the moon. But the story is no longer about the forgettable candidates but a network that once again asserts its own biases into the event. Here is CNN’s Abby Phillip questioning Sanders and then Warren over Liz’s accusation that Bernie said a woman couldn’t win in 2020.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Senator Sanders, I do want to be clear here. You are saying that you never told Senator Warren that a woman could not win the election?

SEN. BERNIE SANDERS (D-VT), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: That is correct.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Senator Warren, what did you think when Senator Sanders told you a woman could not win the election?

SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D-MA), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I disagreed.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Perfect. Was that a question or an Abbott and Costello routine? That might be the funniest debate moment I’ve ever seen. One more time, please.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Senator Sanders, I do want to be clear here. You are saying that you never told Senator Warren that a woman could not win the election?

SANDERS: That is correct.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Senator Warren, what did you think when Senator Sanders told you a woman could not win the election?

WARREN: I disagreed.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I will never get sick of that. So once again, CNN intercedes on behalf of a candidate. Remember when Candy Crowley shielded Obama from Mitt, and when Hillary got debate questions before facing Bernie? Now, I ain’t no Bernie bro. He’s a socialist and spent his adult life on the wrong side of history, but that’s unfair. And the Dems should be worried. Without original thinkers like Yang or Tulsi, those on stage seemed bored by their own words. Biden disappeared into the podium as Tom Steyer stared at you like a glazed stalker on the subway. It seemed a group unprepared to face Trump. In fact, if you were some space alien and saw two screens, one with the debate and the other with a Trump rally, you would think these debates were beamed from different planets. One populated by meek insignificant creatures, and the other ruled by fierce monsters with unusual hair. If I were that alien, I know which planed I would happily invade and which one I would steer clear of. The fact is your party is in trouble when the most memorable moment comes from a moderator. I say CNN should be embarrassed, but, you know, that is impossible. All right, so we have this new audio of Sanders and Warren going at it, accusing each other of being liars from the debate. Let’s roll that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WARREN: I think you called me a liar on national TV.

SANDERS: What?

WARREN: I think you called me a liar on national TV.

SANDERS: Let’s not do it now. Let’s not have this discussion on TV right now.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I just want to say, hi, Bernie.

SANDERS: Yes, good.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I don’t want to get in the middle of it. I just want to say hi, Bernie. That guy’s running for president. Dana, he called her a liar. Does the moccasin fit?

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: That was a good one. I have a theory.

GUTFELD: Please, tell me a theory.

PERINO: Elizabeth Warren hasn’t really talked about gender this whole campaign. She’s talking about her plans. But as soon as the plans — she gave details to the plan, Medicare for all, and she started tanking. So she started to take this turn. And a candidate, at this point in the race, starting to take a turn is someone who knows she is tanking.

GUTFELD: Interesting, desperate.

PERINO: And also, it takes a lot to make a lot of people on the right feel very sympathetic for Bernie Sanders.

GUTFELD: Exactly. The dude is a commie. And I felt bad for him, Juan. Juan, be honest, worst debate ever. I mean, we didn’t have a chance to talk about it right after, but did you stay awake during it?

WILLIAMS: Yes, I watched it. But I got to say. I think you’re right about CNN. I just thought that was unfair of CNN of them. Now, I understand the CNN reporting has backed up what Elizabeth Warren said, that in fact, Sanders said he didn’t think a woman could beat Trump.

WATTERS: But how did they back that up if they weren’t in the room?

WILLIAMS: Because they did reporting and they went to other people who heard from her contemporaneously that that’s what she —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: She could’ve gotten it wrong, Juan.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: She is a congenital liar.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: I must you guys have become Bernie bros, along with Donald Trump, who says Bernie is more easily to beat then the man I am going to the Ukraine to get information on, Joe Biden. But I think that one of the differences between what you saw there, and let’s going back to the GOP debates in 2016, is I don’t think that Democrats want to put on the most entertaining boxing match. I think they’re actually looking for someone who has ideas, someone who says here’s the reality of this moment and how we can defeat Donald Trump. And so people are looking for that. They’re not somebody to put nicknames and mockery.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: OK, Dagen. Because they’re not going at each other, there is absolutely no impression of strength. They seem meek. When you ask them questions, they seem like they’re just — there’s seems like there is no fire.

MCDOWELL: That’s part of the problem. But again, because Bernie Sanders was wronged by Hillary Clinton, because they took over the DNC and sidelined him, he raised $1.7 million for more than 100,000 small donors just in that one day of the debate. So she — take it from a woman who can spot a needy woman. Elizabeth Warren is gasping for attention at this point. And she is spitting on every hardworking woman in this country by lying to get ahead. Being smart wasn’t enough. Being driven wasn’t enough. She lied about her ethnicity. I wanted Bernie to turn and look at her and say, you know what, you are a Republican who called yourself Native-American 30 years ago, but he won’t do it. And she — again, what she is doing here is she’s leaning on that crutch of her gender and then she’s trying to shiv Bernie Sanders with it, and we see her doing that.

WATTERS: Yes. She’s fallen back on the polls, so now she’s falling back on her gender. I talked to Frank Luntz who ran the dials on these things —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Fine young man, up-and-comer.

WATTERS: Yes, and great style, too. The Democratic primary viewers, they hate it when these people attack each other. The dials go right down to the basement. So if they are not going to attack each other, like you said, just delays the nomination, they’re going to drag this thing out —

GUTFELD: And they are not prepared.

WATTERS: And also, they are not prepared. And to that point, the two biggest dust-ups of the primary so far have been about race and gender, Kamala Harris versus Joe Biden and then this. Donald Trump will destroy that political correctness, identity politics scam. He’ll steamroll right through it. So they are not preparing themselves at all for a mano-a-mano match against the president.

WILLIAMS: The Democrats can argue. Hey, you know what, we don’t want to go back to clown behavior. We want to go back to normal where you can talk to your kids about the president —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: — the Democrats wanted Michael Avenatti, right?

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: That’s a Democrat argument for this moment. And I think that doesn’t require you to say, I’m going to call nicknames and bully.

WATTERS: He can do both, because he’s got a lot of accomplishments to run on, Juan. Not just nicknames.

WILLIAMS: By the way, I think Warren is falling in the polls. I don’t know that she’s desperate. But I think she’s got the same supporters in large part as Bernie. And you guys were saying when are they going to fight? And so now, they’re fighting.

MCDOWELL: She stole all her ideas from Bernie. She stole all her ideas. How original and strong is that, as a woman.

GUTFELD: She stole her ethnicity. Is that how you say it, an extra syllable?

WATTERS: Ethnicity.

WILLIAMS: By the way, Greg, if you are going to invade, you’re not going to — you’re a planet that doesn’t have people with orange hair, I would stay away from that.

GUTFELD: That’s my point, is that he is a force to be reckoned with. He’ll just roll right over that crew, sorry. And I actually like Klobuchar a lot.

WATTERS: We know, Greg. You like Tulsi. You like Klobuchar.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Now he likes Bernie.

GUTFELD: Next up, James Bond producers pushing back against calls to make the character more inclusive?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Big controversy coming out of Hollywood this week. There was outrage over Oscar nominations not being non-inclusive because many of the categories are dominated by males, and now there’s this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I admire you a lot, mister?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Bond, James Bond.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: There have been calls for the iconic franchise to include more diversity. And while producers of the movie are open to the idea, there is one line they apparently are not willing to cross. Here I quote, “he can be of any color, but he is male. I believe we should be creating new characters for women, strong female characters. I’m not particularly interested in taking a male character and having a woman play it. I think women are far more interesting than that.” So Dagen, what do you think? That comes from a woman, Barbara Broccoli, who is one half of the production team.

MCDOWELL: Right, Barbara Broccoli’s father, Cubby Broccoli —

WATTERS: Cubby Broccoli? That is an awesome name.

MCDOWELL: They are — her and her half-brother are the team that have protected the Bond franchise. Her father started it. They protected it. And here’s the headline. Bond is a dude. Bond likes chicks. That is the end of it. It’s not Jane Bond. It’s not Jemimah Bond. It’s not June Bond. It’s James Bond. OK, Sean Connery is the best and really only James Bond. But let’s go back to Goldfinger. He was a trailblazer in terms of really being comfortable in your masculinity. Baby blue romper with a zipper by the pool, boom.

WILLIAMS: Boom, you like it. What do you think?

WATTERS: I think Gutfeld has that outfit.

GUTFELD: I do.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: All right. I don’t care if it’s a man or woman. I think we are all adults. If the producer, Ms. Broccoli, wants to make James Bond a lady assassination, let her make her a lady assassin. The only people that care about the gender of James Bond are cinematic fundamentalists like Greg Gutfeld who have to stick to the integrity of Ian Fleming’s screenplay. And those characters must adhere to the original. It must and how dare not —

GUTFELD: Copout, copout.

WATTERS: — Or there are those conservative snowflakes who resist any change at all. In my opinion, they want to risk a lot of money and invest a lot of money and spend money to make a new movie like that, it’s a big risk. Audience is going to watch it. They maybe won’t watch it but it’s their money to play with. I’d see it. If they put an athletic, beautiful, sophisticated looking actress, suit her up, you know, with like little gun right here, a little holster down here. And she runs wild in Ukraine, or South Africa, wherever, I’m there with my popcorn.

PERINO: Ukraine.

WATTERS: Yes, Ukraine. A lot of corruption in Ukraine.

WILLIAMS: Yes. So our own female James Bond, Dana Perino.

PERINO: James Bond is a guy.

WATTERS: Yes.

PERINO: It’s — write a new — if people really want strong characters for women, write the script. Do it. There’s like — there’s plenty of like — there’s no shortage of places where you can get movies and shows produced nowadays.

WILLIAMS: That’s true. And I think we’ve had female secret agent —

PERINO: And we also have somebody like Reese Witherspoon who is taking on a lot of new projects, buying books, focusing on women like — and Big Little Lies was super successful. It can be done.

WILLIAMS: So Greg, what if — what if let’s say, Tarzan was a woman?

GUTFELD: Yes — I can’t even answer that question. Because let me tell you why.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Let me tell you why. Since when is common sense now controversy? The common-sense answer to the question, should James Bond be a woman is no, he’s a man. And somehow in this era of peace and prosperity, you have a pocket of unwell activists, right, who have nothing to do, no jobs, and all they do is — this is what they do all day, I got to get to Twitter, I got to get to Twitter. No, this is misogynist. It’s misogynist that James Bond can’t be a woman. All right fine. If James Bond, you want him to be a woman, Mary Poppins make her a man, OK? Who else —

WATTERS: Mike Poppins.

GUTFELD: Mike Poppins, right? You know what, I want to male Wonder Woman, all right, a male Wonder Woman.

WATTERS: That’s Superman.

GUTFELD: How about a male Mary Magdalene? Let’s really mess with things. This — we’re living in a time we’re allowing a small fraction of people sounding louder than they really are on social media, and it scares companies, and it scares creative types. I’m on the side of Stephen King, who said you know what art — he will say art shouldn’t be based on diversity but on quality. I would go even further and say everything should be based on quality. If you’re a surgeon, if you’re an airline pilot, or if you’re an artist, you don’t — I don’t care what your gender is.

WILLIAMS: Yes, but if that’s the case, then you have more diversity because diversity has been proven to increase and improve quality. But the problem is we live in a patriarchy and a white-dominated society.

WATTERS: Juan, Juan —

GUTFELD: This is on you, Jesse. This is on you, Jesse. This is on you, Jesse, because you didn’t — you turn in your male card —

WATTERS: I’m not taking the blame. I want to see Junebug Bond, Greg. Junebug Bond.

GUTFELD: James Bond can be a man, a woman can write James Bond, but you can’t be James Bond.

WATTERS: Wait, wait, but it’s a fictional character. You can make it anything you want.

GUTFELD: All right, fine. You argue —

MCDOWELL: (INAUDIBLE) biggest hot back of sexist garbage though, the Irishman because they would never ever spend $175 million to put a bunch of old women and de-age them in a movie.

GUTFELD: Good point. They would cast hot young babes in it.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Al Pacino, he’s 79 playing 50-year-old. That’s ridiculous.

WILLIAMS: Calm, calm, calm. We have another segment. Coming up, Michael Avenatti facing more legal trouble after getting arrested again. This next for you to see on THE FIVE.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: The liberal media’s favorite lawyer busted again. Attorney Michael Avenatti got arrested this week and is accused of committing new state and federal crimes while he was out on bail. And that’s on top of charges he’s already facing in California and New York. It’s been a long fall from the top for this guy.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN HOST: You got lucky tonight. We’re back with Attorney Michael Avenatti. He is a main player —

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL, MSNBC HOST: Sitting beside me right now, I’m not going to let you cheat. You have to guess. And hint, his name is Michael Avenatti.

CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC HOST: Look, I think you’re doing a hell of a job. I don’t think you’re in this for money.

STEPHEN COLBERT, COMEDIAN: I have never seen anyone pander to an audience like you just did. How dare you, sir.

MATTHEWS: You’re something else. Michael Avenatti, I’d like to meet you sometime over dinner.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thank you, Michael Cohen.

MICHAEL AVENATTI, LAWYER: Thank you.

DON LEMON, HOST, CNN: Michael Cohen — Michael —

AVENATTI: Please, whatever you do, don’t call me anything other than Michael Cohen.

LEMON: That was good though.

AVENATTI: Not really.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Well, I think that montage, Greg, perfectly sums up how gullible the media is.

GUTFELD: You know what, it is amazing. They should never live that down. The only network that didn’t fall for this was Fox News. But they invested their shallow intelligence into an obvious clown, because he was anti- Trump. And they — and they and you saw how flowery the compliments we’re. And it’s a lesson. It actually really isn’t the Democrats that are at fault. They’re out of power, right? Democrats are out of power so they want to get back in power, they’ll do anything. But it’s the media who are always in power. They always control the stories, they always push the narratives. And every time they are dead wrong, and we’ve never known how dead wrong they were in the past until recently. Now we understand how much is fake. And we saw this with Kavanaugh, and we saw this with Covington, and with Avenatti and collusion that this is on the media. They’re a bunch of a medic lemmings that copy each other in order to be cool. They’re like every dumb teenager that falls for somebody bad and then they try to forget about it, but you can’t forget you got to hold them to it. It’s the same thing with impeachment. They’re all a bunch of liars and losers.

WILLIAMS: Yes.

GUTFELD: And leakers.

WATTERS: And leakers.

GUTFELD: They’re liars, they’re losers, and leakers. Jeanine Pirro, coming up.

WATTERS: Juan, what about the line from Matthews, you’re not in it to make money? That’s pretty good, right?

WILLIAMS: But I mean, you guys are falling for Trump. I mean, you know talk about lies.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Is Trump in jail?

GUTFELD: I think he’s achieving, Juan. He’s doing good stuff.

WILLIAMS: The reality is the reason we know about Avenatti what, Stormy Daniels. Oh, why is she in the news and why did people then — why did Stormy Daniels — and she’s the one who got the worst —

GUTFELD: She got screwed by him.

WATTERS: Why did Stormy Daniels fire Avenatti.

WILLIAMS: That’s right, because he was defrauding her, she said. But again —

GUTFELD: At least she paid her. Avenatti screwed her and didn’t pay her.

WILLIAMS: But I’m just saying, it’s Trump who’s at — I don’t want to say the bottom, but then he’s on top of the story and you somehow avoid Trump as the guy who’s brought out —

WATTERS: Let’s move on. Let’s talk about Avenatti. A lot of financial crimes, Dagen.

MCDOWELL: You just had — you just had a Jesse moment.

WATTERS: We should have more of those.

MCDOWELL: Which I appreciate. Why is there snidely whiplash radar broken? Why can’t they see — again, they cannot see that the guy is a criminal — excuse me, an alleged criminal because of their hatred of Trump. They would have satellite trucks outside of the correctional facility where Bernie Madoff is every day. If Bernie Madoff just had some way that he could start tweeting his — some loathsome comments about President Trump, that’s where we are. Some of these crimes are hilarious. It’s mail — it was mail and wire fraud that he’s alleged to have conducted after he was arraigned last year.

GUTFELD: And he was going to be the Democratic candidate.

WATTERS: That’s right. I think CNN was encouraging him to run.

PERINO: Right. So he’s a character and he has energy. But just because someone is a character doesn’t mean that they have character.

WATTERS: Ouch.

PERINO: I think this guy has a lot of —

GUTFELD: That was directed at you, Jesse.

PERINO: No, it wasn’t.

WATTERS: Looking at me right in the eyes.

PERINO: No, it wasn’t. But we were saying in the break like he just basically went from scam to scam.

WATTERS: Right.

PERINO: And he was basically — he was scamming everybody along the way so it was not only that his clients, but then he was trying to scam Nike, which is how he got involved in this problem. And then he’s like moving money around like a gambler.

WATTERS: Yes, and all the bottom just fell out. Sorry, Michael. “FASTEST SEVEN” is coming up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MCDOWELL: Welcome back. Time for the “FASTEST SEVEN.” First up, is President Trump on to something with this attack on government regulations?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Turn on the water. Drip, drip, drip. I call the guy, is something wrong with this? No, sir, it’s just the restrictor. So you’re in there five times longer than you’re supposed to be.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MCDOWELL: Showers dripping, dishwasher is not working well, toilets not having enough water for a good flush. Greg, he’s a hotel —

GUTFELD: There have been worse than the drip. Trump is our nation’s cab driver, right? He is closer to the street than Bruce Springsteen because he spent his life dealing with construction workers going out and talking to them, and also casinos. You can’t get more strict than that unless you join the Westies. And I don’t think – he might even be in the Westies. I’m not sure. But I like the fact that you know, people mock him over this. But he cares about stuff that people care about.

MCDOWELL: Absolutely.

PERINO: I mean, OK, we have this dishwasher. Two hours and 40 minutes it’s what it says that it’s going to take —

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And it’s loud, and then it drives you — it drives me crazy. So when he said this, I was absolutely — but the reason he said it is because they’re working on regulations that would make it better.

WATTERS: And why? Thanks, Obama. The Obama Department of Energy slap more regulations on household appliances than any other administration.

GUTFELD: Barack Hussein Obama.

WATTERS: And it used to take on average an hour to do one cycle in a dishwasher, now it’s two hours. So the President is trying to go back to one.

WILLIAMS: Yes, I think I’ve heard this before from the right. I think it was drill, baby drill. And this is —

PERINO: Thank goodness, now we’re energy independent.

GUTFELD: We don’t need the Middle East.

WILLIAMS: And this is — this is real life rage. This is people who don’t like innovation, don’t like change. You know what Trump’s complaint was? Oh, those light bulbs make me look orange. What is — I mean, what is going on here? This is just —

GUTFELD: Juan, you have — Juan, you hate everything he does.

WILLIAMS: No, I don’t. You brought it up. You said, this is what Trump is saying at a rally at — was it in Wisconsin, Dagen?

GUTFELD: He speaks — he speaks how Americans think and that’s important.

WATTERS: You don’t look good on that lighting, Juan. Incandescent light bulbs make you look good. Those other ones make you look like you’re on like a hospital hallway. It’s not sexy.

WILLIAMS: Look, I tell you what —

GUTFELD: Why don’t we have those lights here?

WILLIAMS: Not sexy. Well, I tell you what, that’s different lightbulbs, but it’s not the light bulbs. It’s up to you to get the right lightbulb, but it’s not to say we shouldn’t innovate and we shouldn’t have more energy- efficient lightbulbs.

WATTERS: Let’s innovate to make things better.

WILLIAMS: That’s what I’m saying.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Check into his hotel. Go to the shower. It feels like someone is crying on my head.

WILLIAMS: Oh my God.

WATTERS: I mean, I want to get like —

GUTFELD: I like that feeling.

WATTERS: I want to get like a — like a — like a fire engine hose level of water pressure on this hair.

GUTFELD: Everybody cries on my head.

WILLIAMS: Go to Ritz Carlton and forget, you know, Motel 6. That’s what your problem.

MCDOWELL: Trump has moments that make everybody go, yes. Next up, somebody who doesn’t do that. Adam Schiff suffering an embarrassing moment and no, it’s not about impeachment.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: U.S. representatives for 12.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: 153rd of California’s House delegation is this Intelligence Committee Chairman. His name is Adam Schiff.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Also would have accepted pencil neck.

GUTFELD: It would have been great if they said Tom Shillue. But you got to understand, this is really healthy. It’s really good. And maybe a bad sign for Democrats. No one is paying attention to your clowns, but it speaks to the success of America that politics plays a really small part in their lives.

WATTERS: Yes. I held pictures of them out in the streets of New York. No one knows who he is, not even the smart people.

WILLIAMS: I think we did this segment before and it was Michael Avenatti. Is that right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: But I mean, if you put up a picture of John Roberts, not Fox’s John Roberts, the Chief Justice. I don’t think most people recognize him. I think he put up Mitch McConnell. But again, you just delight in trying to make fun of a man that the President mocks as pencil neck.

WATTERS: No, if they put a picture of Greg, I bet nine out of 10 people know.

PERINO: I would say that the Jeopardy contestants are not street smart but they know a lot of obscure things.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: They just don’t know Adam Schiff.

MCDOWELL: And he’s so obscure that they don’t even know him. Thank you. Here is a way finally to keep your pooch calm while you’re at work. Spotify just launched a playlist for dogs left home alone. It’s aimed at alleviating stress. Dana, you play —

PERINO: Well, I tweeted this morning, because I love this idea. I think it’s smart. Everybody loves dogs — loves their dogs. Animals are great and all that. And then I met all day to go back because Peter had listed a whole bunch of songs that he thought should be on this playlist and it was just off the top of his head and I meant to go back and get them because they were very funny. And instead, I just talked about impeachment all day. I’m sorry to disappoint him there.

GUTFELD: Well, let me — I like this. I think you should get a new woofer though. Because you got to put the spot in Spotify. Hey look, the best thing about this is you got to be careful of the songs you pick, right? You can’t get like Aerosmith Walk This Way Because all the dogs keep hearing his walk, walk. You can’t do like Walking on Sunshine or beach house, walk — you know Walk in the Park because the dog is going to be hearing walk. Right now, I bet their dogs at home right now, walk, walk, park, park. I bet their dogs are going crazy right now.

WATTERS: Johnny just got me an Alexa for the apartment and —

PERINO: Why did you get that?

WILLIAMS: I love it.

WATTERS: It was a gift, Dana.

PERINO: You shouldn’t get that.

WATTERS: Why? Now, I can play songs for Rookie.

PERINO: Have you not paid attention to all of these things?

WATTERS: They’re spying on me? Let them see.

WILLIAMS: Exactly. Let them go.

WATTERS: I have nothing to hide.

GUTFELD: Oh, you do. You have a lot to hide.

WILLIAMS: You know what, this is — this is like people who think their dog loves them, right? Now they think they know exactly what music the dog likes. This is a fantasy. But it’s OK. You know, I mean, we make up songs about “Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog” and all that, fine. But I mean, this — do you think that you are inside your dog’s mind?

PERINO: It makes the owner — this is not for the dog, it’s for the owner to feel better.

WILLIAMS: Yes, that’s exactly right. I agree.

MCDOWELL: My dog only likes me because well, I smell like food because I spill on myself. “ONE MORE THING” next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: It’s time now for “ONE MORE THING,” Jesse.

WATTERS: All right. An installment of Jesse’s unsolved mysteries. Very spooky. All right, here’s a photo of the night sky in Navajo County, Arizona. Look at that. That’s real. That’s like an X file situation. Now, what could it be? Do you guys have a guess? Anyone want to take a guess?

GUTFELD: It’s the spirit of Prince.

WATTERS: Close. Purple haze caused by LED lights from a nearby illegal marijuana farm. All right.

GUTFELD: There you go.

WATTERS: And I think that’s true. Also, I’m on the “QUIZ SHOW” Fox Nation with Tom Shillue AKA Adam Schiff. So go there and check that out. You’re going to have to tune in.

PERINO: You’re going to have to tune and find out. All right, Greg.

GUTFELD: Can we ban in tune in? Anyway, OK, let’s do this. Greg’s angry. Yes, there’s a surprise. All right, last summer, I was going crazy because there were all these outbreaks of vaping illnesses. And the way the news was presenting it was so bogus. They’re blaming it on these honest vaping businesses, instead of the substances that were illegal that were being put into the vapes. Now the CDC, a new report admits that it’s the illegal substances and not the actual vapors, the vaping that was the problem. Think about this. Think about all those businesses that were ruined by this — the way the news covered this, and how Jewel got screwed, not the singer, but the company, and it’s not even their fault. And then the news just goes on, and they don’t even report this stuff. You don’t report this at all. And it’s like —

PERINO: And they got the President involved.

GUTFELD: They got the President involved, and they’re passing legislation. They’re trying to ban this stuff.

WILLIAMS: They’re trying to take away my mango bubble gum.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s wrong. You know, vaping is saving people’s lives. It’s getting them off cigarettes. Yes, it’s saving people’s lives. People who smoke don’t smoke anymore and they don’t get the tar. And that’s garbage. This is wrong and it’s on the media again getting a big story wrong and they never have to pay for it.

WILLIAMS: Yes, getting kids addicted to nicotine.

GUTFELD: Oh please, that is the dumbest opinion ever.

MCDOWELL: Blood cancer is better.

WILLIAMS: Blood cancer is better.

PERINO: This is “ONE MORE THING,” it should be fun. All right there was traffic in Middlebury, Vermont that doesn’t happen very often but it came to a standstill and you’ll never guess what happened. Watch this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How do you not know this?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: So this guy had his tractor-trailer full of cattle and he didn’t know that the back gate came open and all the cows out and he kept driving because he didn’t know.

GUTFELD: Breaking move.

WATTERS: Move, out of the way.

PERINO: I mean, it’s utterly this —

GUTFELD: Oh, terrible (INAUDIBLE) for all of us.

PERINO: I will be — tell you, I have a new podcast. I’ll tell you what. It’s pretty funny. It’s about a Lentil Walnut Burgers, but also impeachment, and Democrats, and debates, and things like that. All right, Juan.

WILLIAMS: All right. So there’s the Green New Deal, there is Green Day, and now green puppy. Yes, take a look at this puppy. He was born last Friday, North Carolina. The dog’s owner, Shana Stamey, said that her White Shepherd gave birth to eight puppies, everything great until the fourth puppy was born covered in lime green fur.

The veterinarian says the color was caused by the mother’s bodily fluid. Luckily, it’s fading. The dog has a fitting name for a giant green Hulk. The Hulk.

WATTERS: I think these kids put a highlighter to it.

PERINO: All right, Dagen, I’m going to talk about that after — go ahead.

MCDOWELL: Yes, he didn’t go to the details of that fluids so I appreciate that. Well, this is what I do when I hear Beyonce. Take a look. That’s all I got. That’s Riptide, the Retriever. That’s shared by humor and animals back and watch that over and over again.

PERINO: He has a good — a good Twitter.

WILLIAMS: Yes, he’s great.

PERINO: Twitter system or something. You know, obviously, I can’t talk with as many hours a day. We’re going to have to address this as impeachment goes on and on and on. But we’ll be back tomorrow. Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode of THE FIVE. “SPECIAL REPORT” is up next.

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