I LIKE big butts and I cannot lie but having road-tested one for the day I can safely say I’ve never been more content with my average-sized backside.
The “big bum” trend doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of shrinking, with Brazilian butt lifts currently the world’s most popular cosmetic procedure – and scarily, the deadliest.
Its rise in popularity has been credited to celebs like Kim Kardashian – though the reality star has vehemently denied having cosmetic surgery to inflate her ass.
Being a modest size 10 to 12, I was intrigued to see if I could pull off a rounder rear like Kim’s – with the help of a somewhat primitive “big booty fake butt costume” courtesy of Amazon.
It took a sturdy pair of Spanx and several safety pins to hone those soft padded cheeks into a more realistic bum shape – and another willing pair of hands (THAT was awkward) to keep it in place while I tugged my clothing over it.
I decided to try out my new backside with copycat Kim outfits – after all, they’re tried and tested – but matching my size 10 top half with a size 18 rear proved tricky.
Larger dresses accommodated the butt but were baggy and shapeless around my waist and I constantly had to keep hoisting up my trousers to keep them from slipping down my hips as they battled to accommodate my ample curves.
I’ve certainly got a newfound respect for Kim’s stylist for finding clothes that fit her figure so well – the high street didn’t quite cut it for me.
Funnily enough, that’s not the only impracticality of having a disproportionately big booty.
I was easily the most unpopular person in the busy office canteen at lunch time. As I went to pull out the chair far enough to accommodate my huge buttocks, I had to ask the person sitting at the table behind me to squidge in a bit. Twice.
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There was more drama when it came to negotiating the salad bar. When I reached over to scoop up some falafel, my enormous backside made it virtually impossible for anyone else to get a look in.
And let’s just say there were a few irked “tuts” when I jumped into a busy lift and swung around to face to door.
Taking to the streets I felt like I was, quite literally, the butt of every passing Londoner’s jokes.
I was expecting to get a few looks and the odd snarky comment – especially in that God awful pink ensemble (sorry Kim, not even you pulled that off).
But nothing quite prepared me for the barrage I received simply walking down the street.
It’s as if having a big bum makes you fair game. The number of blokes who made pervy grunts and suggestive remarks was quite staggering.
My personal favourite was a rather dishevelled-looking chap who did a swift double take as I walked past him on London Bridge before asking if I wanted a “friend”. No ta.
One woman in Borough Market even took the liberty of reaching over to give my bum a cheeky squeeze – without permission, I might add.
As I leaned against the bar at my local pub, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I ordered a drink.
Children pointed and laughed. Their parents joined in. Women glared. I’ve felt less of a spectacle staggering home drunk with vomit on my shoes after a night on the razz.
It certainly piqued the attention of a group of pensioners on a day out, who admitted they couldn’t work out if my “posterior” was real or not.
Suffice to say they were relieved when I informed them it was fake – with one admitting she couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have to carry that sort of weight around all day. Not easy, I can tell you.
Having a big ass wasn’t all bad. One woman with a naturally curvy rear end stopped me to ask what my secret was – and even posed for a photo to compare derrieres.
While I couldn’t quite fit all of my tush on the seat at the bus stop, the extra cushioning certainly took the chill away from the metal bench.
And a pizza seller in Borough Market was so bemused he offered me a free slice.
Back at the office I couldn’t resist recreating the famous Paper magazine cover – where Kim poured champagne into a glass balanced on her bottom – with a cup of tea in a Sun mug.
Come the end of the day it was a relief to be able to strip off and sit down without having to do a recce of the surrounding area to check I’d fit.
To anyone who was thinking of forking out for a rounder rear, if you’re a prepared for a lot of (unwanted) attention and a necessary overhaul of your entire wardrobe, go for it.
Personally I’ll be hanging up my big booty for the foreseeable – it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Get the look…
- Cami bodycon dress in khaki, £5 from Boohoo – buy now
- Nude Patent Square Toe Barely There Stiletto Heels, £25.99 from New Look – buy now
- Grey leggings, £10 from PrettyLittleThing – buy now
- Grey long sleeve crop top, £15 from PrettyLittleThing – buy now
- Black slouchy over the knee boots, £55 from Missguided – buy now
- Sunglasses – stylist’s own
- Orange jersey skirt, £10 from PrettyLittleThing – buy now
- Camel roll neck top, £9.99 from New Look – buy now
- Light brown block heel knee high boots, £29.99 from New Look – buy now
- Pink trousers, £15 from PrettyLittleThing – buy now
- Neon pink jacket, £28 from Missguided – buy now
- White chunky trainers, £22.99 from New Look – buy now
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We previously told how Ex on the Beach star Laura-Alicia Summers spent £5,000 on a Brazilian lift, which she forked out for in a bid to look like Kim Kardashian.
Meanwhile plastic surgery addict Star Delguidice, who has spent £300k on ops, struggled to sit down after her op because her butt implants were too big.
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